Post by Bristlefang on Jul 20, 2008 16:25:48 GMT -8
Her fingers rapidly dialed the number that was etched into her memory. The ring echoed from the bedside table, the cell phone’s light illuminating the dark recesses of her room. It rang twice. She knew he wouldn’t answer, how could he when the phone was clearly beside her, not on him, but still. Hope was there, hope that he would answer and tell her exactly what she wanted to hear; that he was coming home. Three more times it rang and she shut her eyes as the voice mail picked up. She laid her head back against the gentle giving of her pillow as the sound of his voice rushed over her. Her heart ached as she held onto the soft tones of his voice. Even through the distortion of the cell phone she could hear that smile, so sweet and welcoming, as his voice told her to leave a message. She could picture, quite perfectly, what he would be doing as he spoke to the machine. The fingers of his left hand would be playing with his earlobe, tugging on it before absently running his fingers through his hair. Oh, how that used to bug her. But now, now she would give everything she owned just to see him tug on his ear once more; as silly as that sounded, she truly would. She missed everything about him. The way he was the first thing she smelt in the morning as he held her in his arms, the first thing to feel, and how his eyes were the first things she saw in the haze of the morning light. A sharp jolt speared her heart as she pictured his eyes. They were the two most perfect things she had ever laid eyes upon. They reminded her of sun-bathed honey drops drizzled over top with melted chocolate. Her Derek’s eyes were the kind of eyes that were almost always welcoming, greeting you with a smile all of their own. When you spoke to him those eyes always found a way to grab your attention and tell you, ‘I am listening to you, you are interesting’. Whether or not you were telling the story, his eyes left you on edge at all times. She lived to see him smile, for his smile always had a way of brightening when he did; they sparkled more than tinsel on a Christmas tree. She flinched at the sound of her own breath leaving her lips, the shallow sigh breaking the deafening silence that enveloped her. The phone pressed against her ear was silent, save for the soft hum of static that was barely audible in the background. How long had she drifted off into her own world full of soft smiles and warm eyes?
Her eyes shifted to the corner of her room. The blazing red of her alarm clock glared at her. 3:35AM. Another night gone by without sleep. She had to be up at six; but then again, they told her she could come back whenever she was ready. She was certain that there was an actual limit on how long she could keep herself locked within her bedroom without any connection with the outside world. Two weeks tops, she guessed. Did they truly think she would be healed within two weeks? She groaned, gathering hers knees to her chest as she kicked her blankets away from her legs. It was too hot tonight for covers, and she lacked the energy needed to walk the two feet to her air conditioner. No, it seemed impossible that she would be better within two weeks. Two months and perhaps she would think of stepping outside her door. The ache was just too much. No amount of time, not even her lifetime, could ever heal the part of her that she lost that day. Her throat tightened and her mouth dried, making it nearly impossible to swallow, as she thought of that day and that phone call. Tears stung her eyes, but they quickly became nothing but a moist sting within her eyes. Days of crying left her eyes swollen and red, the rest of her face mottled pink; she was unable to cry further. She was all cried out. But the ache, that terrible hole within her chest, like a gaping wound, was still fresh. She could still hear clear the woman’s voice. Calm, but not in the way you would expect. A terrible, cold and heart shattering calm. The calm tone of voice that is always used when someone means to say, ‘I am sorry, I am only doing my job’.
“There has been a terrible accident.”
Her lower lip trembled as she stifled a cry with her knuckle, her whole body quivering. Every time she thought of that night, she wanted nothing more to pinch herself; to tell herself it was all nothing more than a terrible nightmare, and when she woke up his arms would be around her, protecting her and reassuring her of his place beside her. At times, when she did fall asleep, should would only dream of waking up to him. The dreams were always vivid, full of touch, smell and always that completed feeling she felt when in his arms. It was terrifying to return to reality; to wake up alone and cold, it was horrifying. Most of the time she felt as if she were slipping through the cracks of what was real and falling into the black depths of insanity. Her dreams felt alive, like life, and reality felt like a bitter nightmare. If only there were a way to stay asleep forever; then it would be like she had never lost him at all.
She shivered, a sudden coldness spilling over her as a thought dawned on her. Her heart seemed to stop as the world itself came to a halt. She could picture the white bottle perched upon the shelf of the medicine cabinet, more than half of the pink little pills left because Derek despised the thought of using a pill to sleep; it terrified him to think that with the smallest overdose he could never wake in the morning. But it did not scare her. In fact, it lightened her chest and re-lit the small flame of hope of seeing her Derek once more. She had pulled herself into a sitting position before she realized what she was doing; it was probably better this way, do things quick before she could think clearly and chicken out. Deep down, she knew taking an amplified dose of Ambien wasn’t the right thing to do; the right thing to do was to pull herself together and wade through this hard time, and in the end go on with life. But she was stubborn, and that was not what she wanted. She didn’t want to be alone, and God only knew she didn’t want to be sullen the rest of her miserable life.
It was if she stepped out of her own body as she set one, two feet upon the ground. She was no longer in control and stood back; motionless and cast to the side as if she were a viewer outside of her own body, she ambled her way passed the dresser. Only a few more feet now and she would be at the bathroom door, and then it was only a matter of time before she would be able to reach that deep sleep she wanted so much. Almost there, she was almost within reach of the doorknob. She tentatively reached out, ready to grasp the cold metal within her clammy palm, when she heard it. It was as if she fell out of a trance and could once more see properly; her vision sharpened as she tilted her head, glancing about her dark room for the source of the sudden strange noise. It was familiar, and after a moment it was only then that she knew what it was; her cell phone. She quickly dismissed the thought of answering it. She shivered at the thought of never needing it, but it was the truth, was it not? But something held her back; coiling tightly within her stomach and making her throat tighten with the feeling of nausea. Guilt? What if it was her mother calling, or her sister? Part of her told her it would be better to not answer it, but another part shouted for her to pick up. Didn’t she want to say goodbye?
She dropped to her knees, knowing where to bring her search. She had thrown the cellular device after the woman called to tell her of Derek’s accident; thrown the phone and anything else within her reach at the time. She simply had no energy left to look for her phone after that, and put it completely out of her mind. It was nothing more than another connection to the outside world. A small whimper slipped from her lips as she scrambled in front of the dresser, bending over and peering underneath. Sure enough there it lay, lights flashing and cyclically vibrating against the leg of the dresser. She reached under and quickly retrieved it, sighing gently as she sat upon her knees and examined her phone.
The screen flashed at her before going out. One missed call. She didn’t even hear it ring; then again, she barely was aware of her own breathing nowadays. She flipped the top open and her heart froze. It was from Derek, the day of his accident. Of course she didn’t hear it ring, she didn’t have it on her that day because it had been ringing non-stop. She only picked it up to throw it. Her throat clenched shut as she gasped for air, tears once more moistening her eyes as she hurriedly pressed the phone to hear ear.
“Hey, it’s just me,” She let out a choked cry, her hands shaking and barley able to keep the phone to her ear. “Just calling to see if maybe I could catch you before you went to bed…. I’ve missed you, Leslie.” His voice sounded as shaky as she felt, and just as sorry that his work carried him so far away from her. “I told…I told Gary that I don’t care about the raise. I just want to come home. So. He is going to give the project to someone else and…I’ll be catching the plane tonight.” Her hand covered her mouth, warm, wet trails slowly leading down her cheek as tears finally spilt. “I don’t want to ever be this far from you again…I love you, Les.”
She found herself curled once more against her pillow, replaying the voice message over and over again. Exhaustion flowed over her limbs, weighing down upon her eyelids and making it nearly impossible for her to keep them open. But she couldn’t stop her fingers from getting back into her voice mail and playing his message. She curled, tighter, into herself as sobs seized her shoulders. She cried out into the empty corners of her room, for how long she didn’t know. Her throat hurt as she settled down, dry gasps of air taking hold of her as she continued playing his last message. Finally she flipped her phone shut, closing her eyes as she held tightly to the small device. The ache deepened during the moment of silence, and already she missed his voice. But it was not his message she was accessing as she opened her phone, her fingers flying over the tiny buttons of her phone. She pressed the phone once more to her ear. A fragile sigh slipped from her lips as his voice, again, told her to leave a message after the beep. She closed her eyes and hesitated before she opened her mouth to speak.
“I miss you…. Please come back home.”
Her eyes shifted to the corner of her room. The blazing red of her alarm clock glared at her. 3:35AM. Another night gone by without sleep. She had to be up at six; but then again, they told her she could come back whenever she was ready. She was certain that there was an actual limit on how long she could keep herself locked within her bedroom without any connection with the outside world. Two weeks tops, she guessed. Did they truly think she would be healed within two weeks? She groaned, gathering hers knees to her chest as she kicked her blankets away from her legs. It was too hot tonight for covers, and she lacked the energy needed to walk the two feet to her air conditioner. No, it seemed impossible that she would be better within two weeks. Two months and perhaps she would think of stepping outside her door. The ache was just too much. No amount of time, not even her lifetime, could ever heal the part of her that she lost that day. Her throat tightened and her mouth dried, making it nearly impossible to swallow, as she thought of that day and that phone call. Tears stung her eyes, but they quickly became nothing but a moist sting within her eyes. Days of crying left her eyes swollen and red, the rest of her face mottled pink; she was unable to cry further. She was all cried out. But the ache, that terrible hole within her chest, like a gaping wound, was still fresh. She could still hear clear the woman’s voice. Calm, but not in the way you would expect. A terrible, cold and heart shattering calm. The calm tone of voice that is always used when someone means to say, ‘I am sorry, I am only doing my job’.
“There has been a terrible accident.”
Her lower lip trembled as she stifled a cry with her knuckle, her whole body quivering. Every time she thought of that night, she wanted nothing more to pinch herself; to tell herself it was all nothing more than a terrible nightmare, and when she woke up his arms would be around her, protecting her and reassuring her of his place beside her. At times, when she did fall asleep, should would only dream of waking up to him. The dreams were always vivid, full of touch, smell and always that completed feeling she felt when in his arms. It was terrifying to return to reality; to wake up alone and cold, it was horrifying. Most of the time she felt as if she were slipping through the cracks of what was real and falling into the black depths of insanity. Her dreams felt alive, like life, and reality felt like a bitter nightmare. If only there were a way to stay asleep forever; then it would be like she had never lost him at all.
She shivered, a sudden coldness spilling over her as a thought dawned on her. Her heart seemed to stop as the world itself came to a halt. She could picture the white bottle perched upon the shelf of the medicine cabinet, more than half of the pink little pills left because Derek despised the thought of using a pill to sleep; it terrified him to think that with the smallest overdose he could never wake in the morning. But it did not scare her. In fact, it lightened her chest and re-lit the small flame of hope of seeing her Derek once more. She had pulled herself into a sitting position before she realized what she was doing; it was probably better this way, do things quick before she could think clearly and chicken out. Deep down, she knew taking an amplified dose of Ambien wasn’t the right thing to do; the right thing to do was to pull herself together and wade through this hard time, and in the end go on with life. But she was stubborn, and that was not what she wanted. She didn’t want to be alone, and God only knew she didn’t want to be sullen the rest of her miserable life.
It was if she stepped out of her own body as she set one, two feet upon the ground. She was no longer in control and stood back; motionless and cast to the side as if she were a viewer outside of her own body, she ambled her way passed the dresser. Only a few more feet now and she would be at the bathroom door, and then it was only a matter of time before she would be able to reach that deep sleep she wanted so much. Almost there, she was almost within reach of the doorknob. She tentatively reached out, ready to grasp the cold metal within her clammy palm, when she heard it. It was as if she fell out of a trance and could once more see properly; her vision sharpened as she tilted her head, glancing about her dark room for the source of the sudden strange noise. It was familiar, and after a moment it was only then that she knew what it was; her cell phone. She quickly dismissed the thought of answering it. She shivered at the thought of never needing it, but it was the truth, was it not? But something held her back; coiling tightly within her stomach and making her throat tighten with the feeling of nausea. Guilt? What if it was her mother calling, or her sister? Part of her told her it would be better to not answer it, but another part shouted for her to pick up. Didn’t she want to say goodbye?
She dropped to her knees, knowing where to bring her search. She had thrown the cellular device after the woman called to tell her of Derek’s accident; thrown the phone and anything else within her reach at the time. She simply had no energy left to look for her phone after that, and put it completely out of her mind. It was nothing more than another connection to the outside world. A small whimper slipped from her lips as she scrambled in front of the dresser, bending over and peering underneath. Sure enough there it lay, lights flashing and cyclically vibrating against the leg of the dresser. She reached under and quickly retrieved it, sighing gently as she sat upon her knees and examined her phone.
The screen flashed at her before going out. One missed call. She didn’t even hear it ring; then again, she barely was aware of her own breathing nowadays. She flipped the top open and her heart froze. It was from Derek, the day of his accident. Of course she didn’t hear it ring, she didn’t have it on her that day because it had been ringing non-stop. She only picked it up to throw it. Her throat clenched shut as she gasped for air, tears once more moistening her eyes as she hurriedly pressed the phone to hear ear.
“Hey, it’s just me,” She let out a choked cry, her hands shaking and barley able to keep the phone to her ear. “Just calling to see if maybe I could catch you before you went to bed…. I’ve missed you, Leslie.” His voice sounded as shaky as she felt, and just as sorry that his work carried him so far away from her. “I told…I told Gary that I don’t care about the raise. I just want to come home. So. He is going to give the project to someone else and…I’ll be catching the plane tonight.” Her hand covered her mouth, warm, wet trails slowly leading down her cheek as tears finally spilt. “I don’t want to ever be this far from you again…I love you, Les.”
She found herself curled once more against her pillow, replaying the voice message over and over again. Exhaustion flowed over her limbs, weighing down upon her eyelids and making it nearly impossible for her to keep them open. But she couldn’t stop her fingers from getting back into her voice mail and playing his message. She curled, tighter, into herself as sobs seized her shoulders. She cried out into the empty corners of her room, for how long she didn’t know. Her throat hurt as she settled down, dry gasps of air taking hold of her as she continued playing his last message. Finally she flipped her phone shut, closing her eyes as she held tightly to the small device. The ache deepened during the moment of silence, and already she missed his voice. But it was not his message she was accessing as she opened her phone, her fingers flying over the tiny buttons of her phone. She pressed the phone once more to her ear. A fragile sigh slipped from her lips as his voice, again, told her to leave a message after the beep. She closed her eyes and hesitated before she opened her mouth to speak.
“I miss you…. Please come back home.”
